The hallmarks of romantic relationships, from the meet-cutes to the first fights to the makeups, breakups, grand gestures, and public declarations of love (is Facebook official still a thing?) applies to all couples, regardless of their careers. However, when one or both people in the relationship are touring crew members (a.k.a. “roadies”) it can put some unique pressures on even the most committed of couples.
As the concert touring industry starts to regain its footing after the worldwide shutdowns of entertainment venues in 2020 due to the COVID-19 Pandemic, “roadie” couples are once again faced with the fact that working as a “roadie” is more than a career choice – it is, inescapably, also a lifestyle choice. With Valentine’s Day 2022 on the horizon, I wanted to share some of my personal insights and thoughts on different types of “roadie romances” in the hopes that it may help some of you to navigate conversations with your romantic partners and to gain a better understanding of the risks, rewards, and how to avoid some potential pitfalls of romantic relationships when one or both people are in the touring industry.
Relationships and The Road
As a young touring crew member, when the subject of intimate relationships between touring crew was discussed among my peers, I frequently heard people say: “Don’t do it,” “bad idea,” “don’t sh*t where you eat,” and “no way – unless you want to get a reputation as one of those women” and “It is bad for everyone when there are couples on the crew.” Sheeesh! That’s a lot of negative attitudes and assumptions about “roadie romance” to unpack! So, what’s the real story?
I want to explore some of the valid and not-so-valid reasons behind this negative outlook and talk honestly about the pros and cons of what happens when there is a “roadie romance” on a tour crew. If you are thinking of starting an intimate relationship with a “roadie”, if you have been in one, or if you are currently in one, I hope that this article helps you feel seen and recognized. I strive to be as inclusive as possible here, so I am deliberately avoiding gendered language when I can, because I think the information in this article applies to everyone, regardless of their gender identities and sexual orientations. Without further ado, here are the 5 Types of Roadie Romance!
Roadie Romance Type 1: The Tour Fling (a.k.a. having a “showmance”)
This type of relationship can be a fun adventure, or it can all go horribly wrong. This is the kind of roadie romance that I was warned could “give me a reputation”. In truth, I think that without careful navigation, this type of romance can result in a variety of reputations for one or both people involved. Do you want to be known as the resident player or f*ckboy on the crew? Are your fellow crew members going to be cool or will they say nothing to your face and call you a bunksock or worse behind your back? Does your tour have an actual policy document with rules about intimate relationships between crew members? (This is not uncommon in other industries, and while I have never encountered such a thing for tour crews, you never know!)
Before you start down this path and begin sharing hotel rooms and more, ask yourself some important questions: How well do you know your fellow roadie? Have you discussed your relationship expectations? For example, clearly stating “This is only a tour-fling, I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with you after the tour ends.” Or “I really like you; I would like to see where this goes after the tour ends but want to keep it private from the rest of the crew until we know if we want to make a more serious commitment to each other.” If you feel unable to talk to your fellow roadie about your expectations, then I strongly advise against getting involved. Clear and honest communication is important in intimate relationships, no matter how long that relationship lasts.
If you are considering this type of roadie romance, I would also be honest with yourself about why you are attracted to This Person and Why Now. Are they a person you would consider dating off-tour? Are you simply attracted to them because you haven’t had a lot of time off-tour to find other potential dates and they are just convenient? Ask yourself, if this relationship doesn’t work out, can I continue to tour with this person? If I cannot, then is having a relationship with this person worth risking my job?
Try to get an idea of the response you and your sweetie could get from your fellow crew members before “going public” with your relationship. Be mindful that some people will always be judgmental naysayers about tour flings and “showmances”. Maybe because they had a bad experience or because they want to shame people on tour crews who have intimate relationships with other crew members.
Roadie Romance Type 2: The Dynamic Duo
This type of roadie romance is one that I think can work quite well in the optimal touring environment. Key word being optimal. If you are on a rock’n’roll arena tour together and one of you is the band’s Tour Manager (TM) and one of you is a Guitar Technician (GT), things could get challenging. For one, you could have very different travel schedules. You will probably live on different tour buses, stay in different hotels, and the TM is always at the mercy of the artist’s whims. This couple might get to see each other for a few moments before and after soundcheck, but otherwise, their days off are the only time to reliably spend time together, if they have any free time (assuming the band doesn’t need the TM or that the GT must spend part of the day dealing with guitar repairs).
A more compatible situation could be a Production Manager (PM) and a Production Coordinator (PC) duo. This is closer to Roadie Romance Type 4: The Power Couple, but more on that later… A PM and PC already spend a significant amount of time working together, so if they have a healthy and functional relationship, then this is a boon to the rest of the crew. Key words being healthy and functional. This is the type of roadie romance that, when things start to go bad, has the potential to be the kind I was warned about years ago. When the lines between personal and professional conflicts are blurry, then it can indeed become “bad for everyone when there are couples on the crew.” Healthy and functional intimate relationships between two roadies in optimal touring situations are great and make people happy. Unhealthy, dysfunctional (maybe even abusive) intimate relationships between two roadies in difficult tour situations really, really suck for everyone!Some touring companies actively recruit “dynamic duos”. These tours are generally set up in one location and stay for weeks or months before moving on to the next, and because these tours may run for years, having committed couples on the tour crew is an asset. There is the obvious savings cost (y’all only need one hotel room, right?), but these types of touring productions can involve contracts for long periods of time, and rather than have crew members end contracts early because they miss their better half, it is a win-win for everyone if both people in the relationship are working for the same tour.
Roadie Romance Type 3: Playing Favorites
Now, this type of roadie romance, this one is not ideal…. Deep sigh. I don’t want to judge, but I might get a little judgy here. This type of romance typically happens when an experienced tour crew member oversteps their bounds as a mentor to a less-experienced, often younger, crew member and takes advantage of their naivete and affection. It is not a good look for anyone. It can also have serious negative consequences that can affect the quality of the show and can impact the future touring careers of both people.
For the experienced roadie in this relationship, if they are in a hiring position (e.g., a Production Manager) they are risking their professional reputation as crew members may question their credibility when it comes to their staffing choices. Who wants to work hard to prove themselves to a boss when that boss decides to hire the inexperienced, unskilled person they are f***ing over an experienced professional? Even when not in a hiring role, someone pursuing a romantic relationship with a person significantly below them on the career ladder typically reveals a lot about their character, and this is usually frowned on, no matter the industry.
For the less-experienced roadie, this person may unfortunately not be an asset to the crew; a “roadie” in name only, and unequipped for the job they were hired to do. Best case, this person genuinely wants to learn and get better at their job, and they will work their ass off to improve their skills and knowledge while they are on tour. However, the more they learn, the less power their “mentor” has over them, and this can cause drama in the relationship. They may also struggle to gain respect from their fellow crew members, and what seemed like a good career move may actually hurt them in the long run. If (more likely when) they break up, it will take a while for the protegee to shake off the association with their more well-known ex.
In the worst-case scenario, this wannabe-roadie can make mistakes that not only negatively impact the show, but that could compromise the safety of themselves, the crew, the performers, and/or the audience. “But I didn’t know any better” is not a valid excuse when you were hired for a role on a tour crew with the expectation that you know better. I am talking about anything from a Wardrobe Manager posting photos of tour laminates on social media to a Lighting Technician not understanding how to meter three-phase power to an Audio Engineer setting the volume on in-ear monitors too high. All these roles on tour have inherent security, safety and health risks involved in the work. If you do not understand why these three scenarios would be problematic, then you should not be doing those jobs.
Now, imagine that the inexperienced, safety-risk-causing “roadie” is dating your Production Manager, who isn’t going to fire them unless threatened with a lawsuit. You can see why Playing Favorites is my least favorite type of Roadie Romance.
Roadie Romance Type 4: The Power Couple
Well, we’ve just read about the worst, so let’s take a breath and consider a situation that can happen when a Roadie Romance goes right. I will spare my friends the embarrassment of me raving over what amazing power couples they are but let’s just say I have been fortunate to meet and get to work with some fantastic couples in the entertainment production industry who prove that when it works, it really, really works.
You will recognize this type of romance because the couple is probably married, and/or has been together for a long period of time. They live together and either run a production company together or operate production-related businesses that complement each other. One or both may be touring, or perhaps one of them tours and the other does work that supports the one who tours (think: Touring Video Director and Video Content Creator). Maybe one of them works in a management role and the other in a more technical role. The point is, they do better quality work because they are a team and that is why people love working with them.
If a Power Couple like this decides to part ways, it can send shock waves through the relatively small world of entertainment production. It may involve actual divorce and complicated legal proceedings. Something to keep in mind if you are thinking about starting a company with your Significant Other. At the very least, take time to set some agreed upon rules, should the business go under, and when it comes to marriage, there is no shame in getting a prenup. The risks involved here are not that different from other couples (married or not) who go into business together. You may need to agree upon some special roadie house-rules like: “No work-talk when naked” or “no discussing the technical details of network systems on a date” or “no open workboxes in the kitchen” (whatever keeps your house a happy one).
These pairs might have initially met on tour, or in college, or through mutual friends. Maybe they first hit it off at an industry event. Whatever their story is, you know it, and it’s adorable. We can all only hope to be this lucky. The Power Couple has mastered how to balance their relationship and tour careers. They know how to communicate effectively and set personal and professional boundaries to prioritize and protect their relationship. They can be the best people to talk to for Roadie Romance advice, but also the worst as they will not sugar coat anything for you and will remind you that a good relationship takes time and effort from both people.
Roadie Romance Type 5: The Anti-Social Social Club
We’ve all seen the hoodies, don’t act like you don’t know. For some, the true romance is the roadie lifestyle itself. Committing to your career on tour without pursuing a romantic relationship with another person, is completely valid and worthy of recognition. Many people on tour crews have reasons to consciously choose not to be in a romantic relationship. Sometimes they are willing to share those reasons with their fellow crew members, other times it’s no one else’s damn business.
Instead, try starting a travel journal or dedicated Instagram account for posting photos of your culinary adventures on tour. Have a one-night stand with that cutie from the hotel restaurant, or don’t, it’s your choice. Try not to sleep with anyone from the Local Crew. (I’m getting judgy again.) They are paid to be there to work, not to provide you with a weird version of speed-dating. Some of those young wide-eyed stagehands are going to grow up and become touring professionals – and they will remember you – so don’t treat them like groupies because they might just be your future boss someday.
Being on a tour crew can be wonderful when your main relationship is with yourself and no one else. Do whatever you want on a day off. Call or text your friends and family on your own time. No one is going to get upset that you are “ignoring them” or “don’t care about their feelings” or start getting jealous. No need to calculate time zones before Face Timing from your hotel room at 3am when you’re jet lagged AF and just want to sleep. You can eat whatever you want, even when you know it’s gonna make you gassy* – it’s not like anyone else is sharing your hotel bed!
(*does not apply on travel days, be nice to your bus crew please!)Finally, if you are currently a single “roadie” and hope to not be single at some future point, remember to make the most of your single days on tour. Enjoy the f**k out of them so you have lots of great memories to look back on and share with your future partner; It’ll make for great conversation on your first date.
Q & A: Challenges to Roadie Relationships
What happens when you are both roadies, but on different tours?
This is bound to happen if you are both roadies for long enough. Your relationship may have started while you were on the same tour, but if you are both roadies for long enough, being on separate tours is something you will have to navigate as a couple. Best case scenario, some of your tour dates and days off will line up, and you’ll get to enjoy some vacation time together in the same city. (True story!)
What happens if one of you decides to leave the road and the other stays on tour?
This is a different relationship dynamic than the experience of one person being a roadie and the other person having never been on a tour crew or having never worked in the same industry. When one person chooses to end their roadie career and the other person chooses to continue, there can be a lot of conflicting thoughts, emotions, feelings, and values to sort through as a couple. Keep communicating with each other, seek out help from a professional career and/or relationship counselor if it helps. Continue to support each other’s career goals, whether on the road or in a different industry.
What if you want to start a family?
Now, I have yet to meet a roadie couple who has managed to have a family without one person leaving the touring industry for a significant amount of time to come home and take care of the kids. The touring industry is WAY BEHIND the times when it comes to family leave and welfare for new parents. Do I need to get on my soapbox? Once the kids are older (like, teenagers) I could see more realistic options for both parents to sustain roadie careers. Maybe they can trade off (e.g., you take a Spring tour this year, then I get to take a summer tour). Maybe, in a situation like a year-long touring theatrical production, the whole family goes on tour for an extended amount of time (this might require the hiring of a nanny and/or tutor to care for the kids).
What I am getting at here is, your touring career is not over forever if you or your partner gets pregnant or wants to start a family. If you are a roadie parent who gets back on the road within a week of the birth of your child (obviously this means you’re not the one who gave birth…) being back on tour does not make you a “bad parent” because you “never see your kids” anymore. We have all this technology for you to use. It is OK to FaceTime your kiddos from the bus lounge, or the crew room, or the hotel lobby. Seriously, any fellow roadies who would look down on you for doing that are not good people and that is not a good tour, please find a better crew asap! Ideally, your little ones will gain a big ‘ol roadie family of aunties and uncles for life who will always make sure to have child-size earmuffs in the production office (protect those little ears please!) and always reserve them a seat at FOH.
What about fur babies? (and feathered friends or scaled critters)
Maybe you have pets and kids, or maybe the only feet you want to hear pitter-pattering through your home are those of your dog. Either way, having pets is not easy when you are part of a touring crew, but it is not impossible. It is rare that you will be allowed to bring your pet with you on tour. I have heard of a few tours where the Production Manager or Tour Manager was allowed to bring their dog, and I was on an arena tour once where one of the truck drivers traveled with their dog (and you can be sure that everyone on the crew adored this lucky doggo!)
If you have friends and family who are willing to take care of your animal pal while you are on the road, that is often the best solution. Take the time to visit them with your pet before you leave so that your pet is comfortable and familiar with their home. Alternatively, have a friend or family member live at your home with your pet while you are gone. Make sure to pay for any expenses your pet incurs while you are away (food, grooming, vet bills, etc.). If your pet has special care needs, like daily medication, make sure to get their prescriptions filled before you go on the road, and ensure that your pet’s caretaker can confidently and responsibly handle your pet’s medical needs.
If you do not have friends or family who are willing to look after your pet, consider hiring a pet service where someone will come to your home once a day to care for your pet. This can get expensive and is best for short trips, or combining with family/friends. For example, if your family/friend wants to take a short vacation while you are on the road and cannot bring your pet with them. Pet hotels and kennels are another option, although the price and quality can vary widely. Success with this option depends on your situation and on your pet. A three-month stay at the vet’s office might be fine for your pet iguana, or a week-long stay at a pet hotel for your socially-inclined cat might be great options.
Do you have any Roadie Romance questions?
Send them to: librarian@robinsroadieresources.com or post them in the comments!
